Well, things are going… dare I say it.. okay? I’m finding my working week is better. I’m not craving that 5pm glass (or rather bottle) of wine as much. However, just typing those words has just made my tummy scrunch up talking about wine. So okay, I still get the cravings; the longing; the daydreams about alcohol but I’m ignoring them much better.
Well, Saturday went well. Pizza with the family did the trick and I went to bed happily catching up on some blogs. Note to self though, never get energy drinks again, yuck!
So far in my short journey of sobriety, I have found weekends to be by far the trickiest. I think this is because in my drunken days, weekends were always that time of the week where I drank without feeling guilty and I didn’t give myself a hard time about how much I was drinking because basically everyone else was doing it on a weekend too.
Last night I had a dream that I had been out with friends drinking red wine. At the end of the night, I suddenly realised that I shouldn’t be drinking because I’ve stopped drinking.
I was so disappointed with myself. Later, the dream changed and I was trying to find somewhere to smoke a cigarette! (I gave up 14 years ago). I was so pleased to wake up and realise it was all a dream, phew!
Another day done. I have ignored my cravings quite well today. There have been several fantasies of wine drinking, which I have had to dismiss immediately. I definitely don’t trust myself yet to let my mind linger on them sort of thoughts for too long.
Who knew there was so much coverage of alcohol in our everyday lives, TV ads, TV programs. Ads on Facebook and other social media – It’s everywhere! Beautiful people, socialising and having a drink, looking very happy. I don’t know if that pisses me off or just makes me sad.
The holidays are over and its back to the usual routine. This has made my Day 11 rather difficult. While I have enjoyed being kept busy with work, I now find myself in a lull, somewhere between 4.30pm and the kids bed times. In this time, I do homework with the kids, cook their dinner and generally just be around for them.
The kids seem to demand just enough of my attention that I cannot really do anything without being interrupted but they don’t constantly need my attention, so I find myself aimlessly wandering around the house, doing dishes and checking the dinner.
Well I did it. I successfully survived a night at my parents’ house sober. As I predicted within ten minutes of arriving, they offered me a drink. In the past I would have been so grateful and chuffed I was going to be drinking from 6pm, what a treat (not).
The weekend is just about here. I have organised going out for tea tonight with friends. I have protected myself though and already told them that I am taking the car and not drinking. These two friends are really good at getting the no drinking thing. They both drink (a lot sometimes) but they also understand the benefits of not drinking.
Well I knew it was too good to be true. When I stopped drinking 5 days ago, I was very focused on not drinking. I was definitely in the right mindset to stop. However, today I feel my resolve definitely wavering for the first time.
We’re going on holiday in less than two months and I caught myself fantasising about having a glass of wine in the sun. I had to remind myself that I don’t drink anymore. And there it was, that twist in my stomach, that gut wrenching “what never again?” panic.
I need to talk about my brain not switching off on a night time. All day yesterday I felt unfocused and not able to think straight. A few thoughts of alcohol had popped into my head but I think that was more habit than cravings at the moment. However, on a night time, boy does my brain come alive. Not in a stressed-out way, like when you’re worried about something but rather just random thoughts popping in and out, constant noise!