Things are good here. Around this time last year, I had just attended my first AA meeting. I am glad I gave AA a go. I was already 7 months sober when I decided to go. At the time I was stuck in a rut and feeling a bit lonely in my sobriety and I am a big believer that you need to try new things and add things when you are feeling vulnerable.
Today I needed to get out of my own head so I decided to write this at work. I wasn’t going to publish it but it was how I was feeling at the time. Sometimes I just have dark days and writing helps, so why not publish it? I feel better even if I haven’t figured anything out yet.
Here’s What I Wrote
Wow, we are coming to the end of the kids 6 weeks holidays here. It has been great, lots of family time, walking, camping and picnic’s etc. However, as much as I’ve loved our time off, I have been feeling low recently. A feeling of, can’t be bothered. Lethargic, I guess. If I get out for a walk or into the fresh air with the kid’s I feel better. I couldn’t work out why I was feeling like this especially when I’m on holiday, but then it hit me a few days ago. I’m bored.
Week one of the kids’ summer holidays is nearly over. Good part is, no work or school for 6 whole weeks. The downside is, the non-existent routines, which I love so much.
I looked back at my blog to this time last year. I was just over 100 days and was struggling with my lack of routine. I posted about the need for me to just go with the flow!
The warmer weather has arrived. This time last year I was about 80 days sober and had not long come back from my first successful sober summer holiday. I remember struggling with the whole warm weather/holiday/beer garden cravings. At the time I had to exercise some serious sober muscles. I drank loads of AF beer, blogged and ate lots of chocolate to cope.
This year by comparison, is so much easier.
Things have settled down again, phew. The ‘what if’s’ and ‘fuck it’s’ I had been feeling over the last few weeks have gone. I have the odd thought of “mmmm that looks nice” when I see someone on TV having a drink but I just laugh at myself. No lingering thoughts or cravings in any way.
I’ve been meaning to post for a few weeks now but haven’t. I’m not sure why because at the moment I keep thinking about drinking, so this is the perfect time to blog. Maybe it’s my booze brain conspiring against me.
I’m not seriously going to drink but I am definitely romanticising the idea more than usual. If I sit with the thought, I quickly come to the conclusion that it is a bad idea. I don’t want to go back to Day1. I don’t want to risk going back to being that person who hides bottles around the house. However, the idea of drinking keeps popping back into my head, like it wouldn’t be that bad. What’s going on?
I never got a chance to mention this on my Sober Anniversary but Mr Mac surprised me with a lovely card and bar of chocolate. Just to say how proud of me his is. I could have cried (I just about did).
I have mentioned to Mr Mac previously that I would be a year sober on 1st April but I never made a big deal of it. I’m not entirely sure he truly understands how bad my drinking got. There are parts of it I have never fully admitted too, like the hiding of vodka bottles. Though I’m sure he has his suspicions.
I’m on the eve of my Sober Anniversary.
How do I feel about this? My honest reply would be proud and grateful.
I am proud of myself for getting sober
Just checking in really. Still sober and cannot believe it is 11 months today. My year is so close. Like a lot of you, I feel like I want to do something or treat me self to something for my first sober anniversary. I think I need to give this some serious thought over the next 4 weeks. I have had a few moments of “is this forever?”. But I believe this is because my year is so close, not because I actually want a drink. I think it is the Wine Witch giving it one last push to trick me into having a drink.