Things have settled down again, phew. The ‘what if’s’ and ‘fuck it’s’ I had been feeling over the last few weeks have gone. I have the odd thought of “mmmm that looks nice” when I see someone on TV having a drink but I just laugh at myself. No lingering thoughts or cravings in any way.
Why was I romanticising the alcohol the past few weeks? I don’t know. Analysing it now, I guess I had a bad cough (which is unlike me). I had dropped a few exercise classes (my instructor moved to New Zealand) and I was generally feeling unhealthy. Could dropping one of my sober tools and feeling unwell have been it? Was it PAWS or the fact that I reached my year milestone and needed another goal? Was it all of the above?
What I do know is that my cough is largely gone, I have started a new Pilates class and I am curbing the amount of junk food I am eating. This has made me feel much healthier now. What I do know is that these feelings do pass and I need to remind myself of this in the moment. Which is easier said than done.
The Party Girl inside me was sated after a great afternoon, climbing through the tree tops the other weekend. Me and Mr Mac had a great time and it was such an adrenaline rush. Later that day, we enjoyed an evening together (without the kids). I bought some AF wine, which is not like me but I think it was a way of coping with the real cravings I was experiencing back then. The AF wine was okay but not great. (I threw half of it away). It didn’t make me want the real thing, thank goodness. I was happier with a juice.
Later, we went out for a meal. Hubby had a few beers but it didn’t bother me. I thought it might, considering how I was feeling but it didn’t. I’m used to Mr Mac having a couple. He only ever has one or two, he says he just cannot drink any more than that. (how strange lol.)
In the cosy restaurant, while enjoying a nice meal and great company, I realised alcohol would have ruined it. We heading back to where we were staying. Stayed up late drinking coffee, eating chocolate and watching a movie together. That night while I was snuggled up with Mr Mac, in a food coma, I realised that I was happy and made peace again with my sobriety. x