I Need Routine – Day 518

Wow, we are coming to the end of the kids 6 weeks holidays here. It has been great, lots of family time, walking, camping and picnic’s etc. However, as much as I’ve loved our time off, I have been feeling low recently. A feeling of, can’t be bothered. Lethargic, I guess. If I get out for a walk or into the fresh air with the kid’s I feel better. I couldn’t work out why I was feeling like this especially when I’m on holiday, but then it hit me a few days ago. I’m bored.

I’m bored of looking after the kids, cleaning, cooking, packing picnics and thinking of days out to keep everyone happy. I feel like I’m doing everything for everyone else but nothing for me. This feeling reminds me of why I drank. I drank for some excitement in my life, to escape the boring humdrum of raising kids, cooking dinners and generally picking up after everyone. I love my family and kids, I really do. I wouldn’t actually change a thing but sometime I feel like I lose a bit of who I am along the way.

When I became a mum, I lost a lot of my own identity. Being a mum consumed me, took up all my time and energy and it still does. I am a mum before anything else. My children are my world but sometimes I wonder who I am. I honestly believe I drank to escape. Drinking was my time out from being a mum. It was my fun time, until it wasn’t fun anymore.

So, I am now wondering who am I? I feel like I have been on a ‘time out’ for the past 10 years. I need to start figuring out what I want to do. Not just hang around waiting to see what the kids need from me next. The biggest problem though is I haven’t the foggiest idea what I want.

That said, I know I will feel better when the kids go back to school and I return to work. Work isn’t my favourite place. I kind of fell into my job and now I stick at it because it allows me to be part time and have the same holidays as the kids. When I return to work there will be structure and routine to my day. I will have more of an identity. I’ll be more than just be a mum.

Then, I will count the weeks until we are on holiday again but while counting I will think of what I want.

Update – I have just read my last post which was at the beginning of the holidays. I talked about the need for routines and some me time. I’ve obviously not followed my own advice. I knew I needed to plan some ‘me time’ in to survive these holidays. That seemed to work for week 1 – 3. We did Cinema night, day out with my girlfriends and a camping trip. However, by week 5 – 6, I have well and truly forgot to follow my own advice!!!

Mrs Mac