No More Dry Retching for This Girl – Day 50

I wanted to write about what’s good at the moment. Get some things on paper so to speak. So I can look back at my journey and see the good things, as well as the struggles.

On Day 24 I wrote a post called ‘Grateful’ and it makes me smile when I read it. However, there is so much more to be grateful for and many reasons why being sober rules!

From waking up in the morning, I realise I don’t have a pounding head anymore and terrible guilt that I’d drank last night. I don’t dry retch into the sink while trying to brush my teeth. I wake my kids up with a smile and we all get ready for work and school. It’s all quite uneventful rather than me shouting at them every two minutes.

I don’t have to hide or dispose of any wine or vodka bottles in secret anymore. I used to worry if Hubby needed to borrow my car because I used to stash my ’empties’ in there and he might have found them. Now, mornings are about starting a new day, drinking coffee and getting the family ready.

I’m not embarrassed at the school gates in case anyone notices that I’ve been drinking (or just the general state of me). I used to make a sharp exit, hoping to avoid contact with the other Mum’s and Dad’s in case I actually had to speak to someone. Now, I’m present walking to school and I enjoy the morning chatter.
If I have to tell the kids off, I’m not second guessing myself anymore, wondering if I am overreacting because I’m hungover or because I’ve had 3 wines already. There is less guilt because if I have to tell my kids off now, I know it is justified.

I have more ‘me’ time. I don’t feel bad about going off to have a bath or asking hubby to put one of the kids to bed.  This is because I know I have been present all day for them. I also don’t rush my kids off to bed so I can have more wine. I am more patient and less frustrated.

I support hubby better; my new-found empathy helps me to relate to how his day has gone. We talk and laugh more. I can remember what we watched together on TV and I don’t fall asleep half way through. If we go out together, it’s about ‘us’ time not about how much wine I can drink. I just love driving home again on an evening instead of standing around in the cold, needing a wee, waiting on a taxi.

I check on my kids before bed now. I remember to switch off their nightlight so they get a better night sleep. I find it 100 times easier to get up in the night if one of them is ill or has had a bad dream.

I don’t pass out in bed anymore. Me and Hubby fall asleep together now.
There were many things I could do while I was drinking. I often prided myself on the fact that even though I was drinking wine and vodka every night I was still functional. However, it is only until you get sober and a bit of distance from your drinking that you realise how much you were missing out on.

All the things I have mentioned above I either, didn’t or couldn’t do. Or simply didn’t think to do while drinking. Some days may well be tough but I like who I am becoming and I don’t ever want to go back to living that half-life again. Hugs x

Mrs Mac