Secrets – Day 34

Hubby removed the bottle of Prosecco from the house. I was surprised it didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.

I could probably have kept it in the cupboard until I could pass it on to someone else, but let’s face it, anything to keep life simpler. We should never tempt fate when it concerns alcohol. One bad day and that bottle could start talking to me.

Hubby is a moderate drinker. I will never understand his ‘take it or leave it’ attitude toward drink or only wanting/having one beer. However, I am thankful he is on board with my sobriety.

In fact, it was hubby who first had a word with me about my drinking. I imagine it was a very hard conversation for him to bring up. Even though I knew he was right , I’m ashamed to say it didn’t stop me drinking. I just hid it from him more. There is nowt worse than telling a drunk not to drink! However, we always promised to never have secrets and here I was hiding my drinking.

I was so ashamed and guilty that I was hiding my drinking from him. I was also really fearful that he would find out, which is when I think I finally hit my ‘Bottom’. Realising ‘normal’ people drink like this and that I was becoming the person I promised not to be was when I found the strength to stop.

It was  fear that I could destroy my relationship with my husband (who is my life) and  the guilt of hurting everyone around me. If I continued the way I was going, I would lose everything and that is what helped me stop.

There are no secrets now, which is a massive weight lifted.  I do not need to hide bottles or the amount I drink anymore. I cannot believe I could have destroyed everything good in my life for booze. It just shows how powerful alcohol can be. Hubby understands that I cannot control my drinking and does not blame me for it.

In the beginning, I was very low key about giving up. I said it was good to have a break before we go on holiday at the end of May.  However,  over the last month I have talked more honestly with Hubby about how I cannot go back to drinking. I have explained that I don’t want just one drink, I want the bottle. I also confessed to how I hid a lot of my drinking from him. Plus, the frightening truth is, if I start drinking again, I may not stop next time.

Hubby has taken this all in his stride. He tells me how proud he is and that I’m doing great. I think he misses his drinking buddy a bit sometimes, (though he has never said) but I guess deep down we both don’t want the alternative.
If there is one thing that I’ve learned, it is that secrets can destroy, well, everything.

As hard as it is to have that conversation and to be honest, whether it’s with yourself or a loved one, it will always be the best thing to do. I believe I’m very lucky to have found a way to stop drinking before I headed further down the path that I was on. I didn’t have amazing will power,, it was Fear and Guilt that made me stop and that is okay with me. I’ll think about the fear and guilt whenever I’m tempted to drink again. x

Mrs Mac