It’s Very Loud Inside My Head – Day 1235

Things haven’t felt right for a while.

After my panic attack at my old job, I got brave and made the decision to get a new job.  Getting a new job was the right thing to do because I hadn’t been happy at my old job for a while.

I was super proud of myself when I got my new job. I took the whole process slowly, knowing it would be a bit overwhelming. The first few months were definitely tough. I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was to still feel overwhelmed and out of sorts 6 months on.

My logical brain says I’ve settled into my new job well. I know my boss and colleagues are really happy with my work. I realise it is early days and I’m not expected to know how to do everything but I’m managing everything so far without a problem. And, the people I work with are so nice and helpful, so who wouldn’t want my job?

However, I feel like I just want to run for the hills. I’m constantly waiting to come across something I don’t know how to do or worse find out I’ve been doing it wrong all along. I get anxious just thinking about going to work. Sometimes, it can take my breath away. I panic when I have to go to the staff room at work because I get overwhelmed when it’s busy. Even when people praise me, it makes me emotional and I want to cry because I feel like a fraud. It is all extremely draining.

I think it was better to feel crappy in a familiar job than feel just as crappy in this new one.

I thought changing jobs was going to make me feel better. Less anxious, less panicked, less depressed. Instead all them feelings have stayed but now I have a new job to contend with. I’m starting to feel like a complete failure. Even writing this makes me want to cry.

How can I have such a disconnect between what my logical brain knows to be true and my feelings?

I know I should talk to someone. However, I find it so difficult sometimes admitting I’m struggling, especially when most people assume I have it all together. If only they knew!

At least I’ve told you lot, for now. x

Mrs Mac