Decisions Decisions – Day 174.

Back in January I made the decision to take a year off work. I am very fortunate that work agreed to keep my job open for me to return to in January 2017. (They know nothing of my problem with alcohol) I made this decision largely because I was so unhappy at work. Corporate Bull**** played a large part in my decision to take a break but also my inability to cope any longer. Remember, that I was still heavily drinking back then. I think my Career Break was me just running away from everything.

When I stopped working, my drinking escalated. Even though I didn’t have the stress of work anymore, I also didn’t have the responsibility. It scared me how much alcohol I was actually consuming. I thought my job contributed to my drinking but it wasn’t the case. I was just addicted. Not having the constraints of work just allowed me to drink more. I think I scared myself into actually stopping. I was losing control and I just knew I couldn’t let it carry on. It was make or break time.

Since April 1st 2016, I have quit my secret drinking and have been on my secret sober journey. For nearly 6 months now I have kept things simple, making sobriety my top priority. I have kept busy but without stressing myself out. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. However, I do feel as if I’m ready for more. (a little bit anyway.) The question is, Do I go back to work in January?

Reasons For:

• More money. It would make us financially more stable
• Not giving up on a 20 year career due to alcohol
• I should be able to cope better since I’m not drinking (yet to be tested)
• Socialising (stay at home mum can be rather lonely)

My Worries:

• Even after all this time off I may still not like my job.
• Corporate working may be a trigger for me.
• I may not be able to cope still, even though I’m sober

I realise from writing the lists above that I have more reasons ‘for’ than ‘against’. This is interesting but the worries I have are big ones for me. Part of me feels like I left the old (drunk) me behind when I left work. Going back to work feels a bit like going back in time. I should be looking forward. However, another part of me feels like I have come such a long way. I am not that stressed out, hungover/drunk person anymore and shouldn’t throw away a good career. Am I strong enough to give it another go?

Good job I have 3 more months to think about it! Thanks for listening to my ramblings x

Mrs Mac