Well, things are going… dare I say it.. okay? I’m finding my working week is better. I’m not craving that 5pm glass (or rather bottle) of wine as much. However, just typing those words has just made my tummy scrunch up talking about wine. So okay, I still get the cravings; the longing; the daydreams about alcohol but I’m ignoring them much better.
I’ve changed my routine a bit, catching a bit of ‘me time’ between doing homework and cooking dinner. Okay, so it’s only 20 minutes max, just catching up on emails or reading a quick blog but it helps me to get over that hump. If needs be, I’m visualising what would happen if I drank, playing it out to its miserable conclusion. Even that’s got easier. All I need to ask myself is, do I want 1 glass of wine or a bottle? Every time, the answer is a bottle (or more) and there you have it, my reason NOT to drink.
I don’t want to get complacent, I’m genuinely a bit scared to. I’m even writing this blog tonight as I know I haven’t done one for a few days and I need to keep my focus. We all know how things can change so quickly and catch us off guard. I’m not going to be tricked by that Boozy Bitch inside me.
One thing which I have been worried about is our up and coming holiday at the end of May. We will be going around my Day 56. I know that is a lot of sober days under my belt, but still. We always drink on holiday. A cool beer around the pool. A glass of wine outside on an evening. Arrghh! I don’t want to drink. I have told hubby that I won’t be drinking and he is totally cool with it. I’ve told him he can still have a drink though. He’s a normal drinker. But I’m worried me not drinking may spoil his holiday.
Total rubbish I know. I shouldn’t worry about what other people think and if they’re not happy with me not drinking then that’s their problem, not mine. Saying all that though doesn’t stop me feeling bad. I know when I was still drinking, I would have been seriously pissed off if hubby said he wasn’t having a drink on holiday. I also know that this holiday is the one thing that could make me relapse. I’m like a yoyo when I think about it. I’m 70:20 not wanting to drink but I worry about that 20%.
When I play it out in my head, it’s easy to see why I shouldn’t drink but deep down part of me feels like I’d be missing out somehow or the holiday won’t be as good. It’s like a battle between my head and my heart or rather my head and my drink demon. I’m going to have to do some serious prep work before we go. My sober toolbox will have to be full to bursting. I’ll be gutted if I drink.
And breath….. One day at a time…… x