Out of Control – Day 1664

The last 2 months have been tough for me. I have got myself into an ugly situation with my eating. Mainly eating anything sweet; chocolate, biscuits, cake etc…

The last time I wrote here was nearly 2 months ago. In that entry I talked about wanting to lose my Lockdown Belly. The kids were going back to school and I was determined to start eating healthy. I was sick of scoffing biscuits and chocolate whenever I fancied. I’d gotten myself into a bad habit over lockdown and I wanted to change.

Well, in true Mrs Mac style I went all in. I’ve always been an all or nothing girl.

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Use Your Sober Tools – Day 394

I’ve been meaning to post for a few weeks now but haven’t. I’m not sure why because at the moment I keep thinking about drinking, so this is the perfect time to blog. Maybe it’s my booze brain conspiring against me.

I’m not seriously going to drink but I am definitely romanticising the idea more than usual. If I sit with the thought, I quickly come to the conclusion that it is a bad idea. I don’t want to go back to Day1. I don’t want to risk going back to being that person who hides bottles around the house. However, the idea of drinking keeps popping back into my head, like it wouldn’t be that bad. What’s going on?

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Eating – Day 235

Can you EAT alcoholically? The reason I’m asking is because I’m wondering if I could be at risk of doing so or maybe already am. Over the past few months I have been exercising more and really enjoying it. However, l was disappointed that I hadn’t lost any weight. So, what have I done to help shift the pounds? Eat like a crazy lady, that’s what! Some days I feel motivated and neigh on starve myself. Other days, I sacrifice my dinner, so I can gorge on cheesecake and then hide the evidence. Then, like yesterday I felt so crappy I ate for England and then had a take-away! Which, not surprisingly made me feel crappier. What the heck has happened?

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Attack of PAWS? – Day 214

Well I’m rubbish at posting at the moment. I don’t know why, if anything I should have posted sooner as I’ve been having some cravings lately. It’s just been fleeting thoughts of “wouldn’t a glass of wine be nice”. It’s really thrown me because I don’t want to have any wine. However, it still makes me question my sobriety and ‘forever’. I haven’t had thoughts like this for ages, so why now? and why so frequently?

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Reflection – Day 70

The days are passing very quickly now. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was painstakingly counting my early days of sobriety, wishing them to go faster, so I could get more alcohol-free days under my belt. I also used to clock watch continuously, especially during ‘Wine O’ Clock’. In the first month of sobriety I must have been obsessed with time.

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An Emerging Thought – Day 27

I think time is passing quicker now, compared to Day 1. I know it is still early days but right back at the beginning, the days definitely past slower. It felt like I’d been alcohol free for ages, then I’d realise, I was only on Day 5. I’d think – Surely, I’ve got my days wrong. I’ve been good for so long. How is it only Day 5?!

Now on Day 27, time has shifted a bit. It has sped up. I’m gaining some AF (Alcohol Free) momentum.

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Nightmares – Day 14

Last night I had a dream that I had been out with friends drinking red wine. At the end of the night, I suddenly realised that I shouldn’t be drinking because I’ve stopped drinking.

I was so disappointed with myself. Later, the dream changed and I was trying to find somewhere to smoke a cigarette! (I gave up 14 years ago). I was so pleased to wake up and realise it was all a dream, phew!

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Bloody Adverts – Day 12

Another day done. I have ignored my cravings quite well today. There have been several fantasies of wine drinking, which I have had to dismiss immediately. I definitely don’t trust myself yet to let my mind linger on them sort of thoughts for too long.

Who knew there was so much coverage of alcohol in our everyday lives, TV ads, TV programs. Ads on Facebook and other social media – It’s everywhere! Beautiful people, socialising and having a drink, looking very happy. I don’t know if that pisses me off or just makes me sad.

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