AA or Not – Day 315

I have been going to AA every week for the past 2 months (since 10th December 2016). At the beginning it was twice a week but once I started work last month it had to be once a week. Once I got over my initial nerves, I have always enjoyed the meetings. The one I go to is quite small anything from 5 to 10 people attend. It has been easier to get to know people than the larger groups.

I decided to go to AA because I am always curious about what other help is out there and because I was feeling rather lonely at the time.

My feeling was that I needed some real life people who I could talk to, who got it (like you lot). I have been honest about my drinking and I contribute to the meetings. They have encouraged me to read Chapter 5 and the Promises in the meetings too, which I have started to do.

So what’s the problem? Well, I’m not sure, but I don’t think it is for me. I have definitely enjoyed the experience and I’m very proud that I found the courage to go in the first place. It has definitely paved the way for me trying other recovery groups if ever I wanted to in the future. Plus, I would have always wondered, “what if” otherwise.

The people I have met have always been kind and open. I love to hear people share their story and even though their story is different than mine, I can always find the similarities. However, the one thing they all have in common is their need for AA. They couldn’t be sober without it. Whereas I came to AA 8 months sober, looking for friends.

I don’t feel I want or need a sponsor and I don’t want or need to go to more meetings than I already do (I have been encouraged to go to at least 3 a week). Working the 12 steps isn’t really for me, mainly because I don’t believe in a higher power. I believe I got myself sober and I want the credit for that ha!.

I have accepted that I am an alcoholic and there is nothing I can do about it. Though I still don’t like the word alcoholic. I love the concept of ‘one day at a time’ and ‘Don’t have the first drink’. There are many many positives to AA and it is literally a life saver for many of its members but I just don’t feel I need, need it. Do you get me?

I’m not saying I’m never going to AA again because I love listening to people share their story. If I’m having a triggery day, sharing that here in the blogosphere or in a meeting helps. However, I am stopping the weekly meetings. I definitely don’t want the pressure of that and that’s what it has started to feel like, pressure.

Since going back to work, continuing my exercise, making a conscious effort to see my friends and making time for me and Mr Mac. I really feel I have a wonderful and fulfilling life. I’m continuously learning about myself and how to live my best life. I am grateful for the AA experience. It is one more thing I can use in my sober tool box. It just doesn’t have to be the biggest thing in there! x

Mrs Mac