My son left on Saturday to go to France for one week on a school skiing trip. I am finding it difficult to say the least. Many times over the weekend I have sat with uncomfortable feelings of loss and anxiety. I worry if he is okay and enjoying himself.
Here is a list of things I’m worried about.
• Are his friends treating him well?
• Does he like the food?
• Is he okay working with Euro’s instead of Pounds?
• Has he lost any ski kit?
• Has has he got a blister?
• Is he drying his kit properly?
• Is he warm enough on the mountain or has he fell off the mountain!
I could go on. I’m not worrying constantly but several times a day it just hits me like a punch in the stomach.
All that been said, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m thrilled he has gone and this will be an amazing experience for him. I am a mother who worries but I know he’s more likely having the time of his life.
I don’t like feeling this way though and at 662 days sober I thought I had dealt with most situations that I would have normally drank over.
I don’t want a drink nor am I craving a drink. I recognise that I would have definitely drank over all these feelings in the past. My old coping mechanism would have been to drown a bottle or 2 of wine so I didn’t have to worry about my boy.
So why no huge cravings? I think it is because I truly believe that drinking would solve nothing. Hallelujah the penny has dropped! Drinking would mean, I’d feel terrible the next day plus my worry and anxiety would be worse so I’d end up drinking again. My daughter, would have a rubbish time while her brother was away because I wouldn’t be present enough to make this time fun for her. But most importantly. I realise that by drinking and not dealing with these feelings now I’d be creating a much bigger problem for the future.
So, my plan is, don’t drink; deal with my uncomfortable feelings now. Grow as a human being and as a mother, so in the future I will have the strength to deal with similar experiences and emotions better.
I understand, that this is easier said than done. But I am doing things to help myself. I have taken some time out to write on my blog. I have ate a few more ‘treats’ than usual. Taking nanna nap’s (afternoon sleeps) have helped as I know I feel worse if I get too tired. Plus, talking to my husband helps as he is obviously feeling the same way. Because it is perfectly normal to feel this way.
I could also add if I needed, going for a long walk, organising an activity or meet up with friends to distract myself,. I could attend an AA meeting, have an early night or even go shopping!
These may all sound like little things but they are what I have in my sober toolbox that work for me. I have to be careful not to underestimate the importance of doing these little things because experience has taught me that when life gets busy and I haven’t had time to talk to my husband, take that walk or have that early night. Things become difficult, really difficult.
So, as I sit here with my perfectly normal but uncomfortable feelings, I remind myself that doing the little things help me cope with the bigger things in life.
A belated Happy New Year to you all. x