Emotional – Day 245

I tried to go to my first AA meeting today. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage for 8 months now. I found a meeting near me which was a woman’s meeting.

The hard part was telling my husband. I felt I couldn’t go without telling him first, as it would feel dishonest. He was great. He did ask if I thought I needed it (I still don’t think he truly grasps how bad I was) I said I wasn’t sure but it was something I’ve been wanting to try for a little while.

Well I was a bundle of nerves driving there. I could feel myself getting emotional just thinking about it. When I arrived, I just stood outside the door, looking for a sign that this was where I needed to be. I waited.

There were 3 people in this room but one was a man, so I thought this cannot be the right place, as it was a women’s meeting. Another woman walked by me straight into the room without a glance, so I went back to my car. I felt really annoyed and emotional, literally holding back the tears.

When I got back to my car, I decided I could do this after all. I’ll just ask! So, I walked all the way back in again. I got to the door and bolted again. Feeling really low so I wondered into Starbucks next door. I sat quietly for half an hour feeling very teary and sorry for myself.

I am home now and still welling up thinking about it. I’m not good with new situations and I have massive fear of the unknown. When I was drinking, I hid all this behind bravado and wine. Now, I am an emotional wreck, crying into my cappuccino.

I have just double checked with AA online to see if the meeting is still current. A lady e-mailed me and explained it was but no meeting is restrictive, so men could be there. It doesn’t bother me but I certainly wasn’t expecting to see a man there and it was enough to confuse me and make me run!

Well I don’t know if I will try again. I’m sure you will all tell me to do so. I’m embarrassed because I know I will not be able to go without crying. I’d be more comfortable if it was woman only. Men just make me more self-conscious (for reasons unknown to me).

Hubby knows I didn’t make it and he was kind. I found it hard to show how upset I was because I hate feeling weak in front of him. He knows I was disappointed but I kept the tears in check.

I hate that this makes me cry because I don’t even want to cry about it!  I feel like I should be able to keep my emotions in check more. It also makes me feel very lonely. x

Mrs Mac